NO.

I JUST POSTED A COMMENT ON XTHINFOREVER AND THE WORD VERIFICATION WAS BINGE.

I WILL NOT.

I CAN DO THIS.

trying to be invisible ?

i'm back, but it feels like no one even noticed that i was gone.

no one 'noticed' the tears at school because they are her friend more than mine

but i'm trying to forget about that, trying sooo hard but failing so easily. the first week after i found out actually helped me in this aspect of my life. i didnt eat much at all during that week and i ran out all my anger. but when the weekend rolled round and i was invited out i got reaaaally drunk on both friday and saturday and ate all my feelings. all that hard work down the drain. 

so on the monday i tried to pickup where i left off but the weekend just saw me repeat all the same mistakes. 

this week i'm trying so hard. i screwed up a teensy bit last night but i'm trying to make up for it today - i havent eaten anything. its only 4pm so lets hope i dont screw up. 

and guess what? in less than two weeks its my birthday. seventeen ! 

lets hope that if im not skinnier by then, i will be for my informal !

fingers crossed.

i've been away for a couple of days and thats because so much has happened that its been unbelievable.

i didnt think i would ever post again, let alone get of bed.

so heres the sitch that has pretty much ruined my life.

the boyfriend cheated on me. again. this time with the girl i hate. and actual sex this time.

fffudddggeecakes.

he's cheated on me a couple of times but i always took him back.

the first two times he hooked up with randoms. the time before this, he ate out my best friend.

but this is the worst. and i hate him for it. we've been dating two years - not anymore though. apparently it happened three months ago after a massive fight where we decided to break up. (the breakup lasted a day)

he told me he kissed her - i was furious for weeks.

it was only this weekend after a massive fight that i squeezed it out of him.

and now he keeps calling me, apologising, trying to get me to take him back, but i've promised myself i wouldnt. i dont want him. i dont like him. i dont like myself. but he's going to be what drives me even harder now. i'm going to look fabulous to rub it in both their faces.

but its sooo harrrddd to ignore him. just then i got a text, here's what it says:

i was calling you to tell you that i'm going to stop now. its really hard for me. Im scared that in a month you will have found someone else. Im lost and afraid now that you hate me. jemma, I know part of you still loves me and misses our late night chats and misses the hugs and kisses and i love yous. when you can stand me again i am going to be the best person i can be. i would give anything to have you back. i have loved you deeply since i was thirteen. my life is nothing without you.

how the fudge do you respond to something like that?

arghh, all i know is that it lead me to screw up during the weekend, but now i'm back on track. i can do this. i will do this. it has to be done.

dietcoke

today was crazy

i woke up at 6am and my stomach was screaming - it hurt soo much

i sat up and immediately felt my energy drain

it took an incredible amount of effort to walk to the kitchen, i didnt think i would make it, but i did.

i felt so dizzy and weak, the weirdest sensations. even the food didnt feel or even taste right. i had the grossest taste left in my mouth .

with my stomach no longer screaming, but my head still pounding, i made my way back to my bed, falling asleep and missing my alarm.

so i got to school late - had to catch a bus as i still didnt feel quite right - and the boyfie took one look at me and told me i had to eat or he'd tell on me.

i let him feed me a piece of bread and he bought me a diet coke. (L)

he then sent me off to modern history (double period, yuck) but i met him at lunch and we ended up leaving school. we caught a train a couple of stations away and spent time browsing through shops. we then discussed what we were going to wear tomorrow ( it being jeans for genes day, we're allowed to wear jeans to school) but i reminded him that i didnt own a pair.

he suggested that we look at some pairs and i shot back: no way

he shook his head at me, but told me it was ok. he said i'd look fine, but if i wanted to wait until i was ready, then cool but he has to be there. to help me choose slash to choose them for me.

so the food sitch was going alright from there, but when i got home, i was forced to eat dinner - spagbol

however, i've always semi-disliked spaghetti, so i got away with not eating that, but was told i had to eat the rest.

regardless to say i ended up throwing up in my bedroom. i know *shockhorrorgasp*

but i felt sick after all that meat and cheese, so it was not like i forced it out of me. it wanted to come out. 

but thats a trick i've learnt, you throw up in something disposable. that way no one suspects you've done a thing as there is no weird "straight to the bathroom after dinner thing" 

 i normally go straight to my room after dinner and luckily tonight is bin night, so i'll take up my garbage bag in a few secs.

i feel fine now, but i'm worried about tomorrow morning. and then tomorrow night. i have to work, which means i'm surrounded by the smell of popcorn and hotdogs and all that delicious movie food. its my job to sell it and i have to be relentless in my upselling and suggestive selling. plus i'm going to be exhausted. and then there's the whole 'breaktime' factor. 

they always schedule breaks together and i hate it when people comment.

maybe i should try and eat nothing tomorrow and just have a salad at work ?

but then what if something screws up tomorrow morning?

D:

but in awesome news: buying my macbook tomorrow

hopefully! i'm hoping i get paid $200 tomorrow, because if i do then i'll have $1400! my mac costs $1499 and my 'parents/guardians'  ( i feel as though i have to fill you in on my living sitch soon, just not tonight) said they'd lend me $100, but nothing more. they made that clear.

so i  have to get $200 tomorrow, or wait until next week.

hmm. i'm actually wondering if it might be better to wait until next week and buy the slightly more expensive one.. 

but i want it now, because this computer sucks A.

 

martyrdom is tough

I was thinking some terrible thoughts as i sat here trying to conjure up ways of not eating - of not being noticed

first i'll give you the back story:

so just then i went to the loo but was stopped by my brother and asked if i wanted dinner, i told him no thanks - that i wasnt hungry but he stopped in his tracks and asked why i wasnt eating.

i repeated again that i wasnt hungry and he then asked me what i had to eat all day.

i told him i had breakfast "you were there ! you saw me !" and he asked what i had for lunch because i clearly didnt take anything from home.

my repsonse: " i hate food from home, it always gets smushed! and i know its bad, but i've spent like $30 on food this week - thats like a third of my pay ON SCHOOL FOOD! i'm trying to save for a laptop!"

and luckily he bought that

but what i was really thinking is that i should pawn off my troubles onto my other sister (i have three, two of whom i live with)

my sister, jess, is - i'm sorry to say - overweight. like extremely.

and it makes me feel horrible/ashamed to be seen with her

she never used to be this big, it all happened when my mum died four years ago

she dropped out of school, got a job at maccas and just ate and ate

now, things are getting better though

she's an apprentice hairdresser - but is still a biggie

and i was thinking i could always like, you know, give my food to her, but i dont want her to gain weight

or when she steals the chocolate from the fridge - i could say it was me

which would be semi nice because as then she wouldnt get punished, i would, but i'd be the martyr

but i want to help her. i just dont want her to know about me.

its a toughie

life fucking sucks sometimes

x

dying to know the difference

we dont have scales in my house so i'm dying to know if i've actually achieved anything.

the next time i'm able to weigh myself will be the next time i'm at my dads, but who knows when that will be?

today i've been pretty good, i'm not following the abc diet anymore, i'm just generally eating a lot less

today i had breakfast at 7am - a small bowl of special k with skim milk

and the only other food i've had since then is about five cashew nuts.

i've had tonnes of water/diet coke though.

i'm just going to see if i can last the  night.

i went to a friends house afterschool and on the way there she said that we should stop off to get food - i resisted, even with her eating. it made me feel incredibly happy.

being home alone was the hardest part, opening the fridge for the diet coke brought loads of yummy food to my attention. mmm chocolate cake. i wanted to smell it, to taste it, but i shut the fridge and told my self i had to eat something small. i was going to have ten cashew nuts - but i put half back. that has got to count for something, right?

well, right now i'm off to stick my ipod into my ears and listen to some sweet dept of eagles as i walk through the cold day-turning-to nightness.

(: x x

lucky boy

i forgot to mention that today i confessed to the bf about my weightloss plan

he's standing by me, which is incredible

he's had weight issues, i mean, i know he's extremely self conscious, which he shouldnt be now as the lucky bitch lost 15 kilos in a month and is a freaking skinny bastard (yay, go me! attractive boyfie!)

i was feeling pretty down this afternoon and burst into tears on his shoulder, spilling my guts out

(if only all those tears had made the scales go down)

he said i'm perfect just the way i am, but he knows what its like to feel shit about oneself

so, from now on he's going to be there for me - stop me from eating those naughty foods

but sometimes it's harder when you're by yourself.

but not anymore !

i can do this. i will do this!

relapse turn-around

i relapsed on the weekend - it was so hard not too as i needed the energy to work.

i work at a cinema (dont want to mention names - that could be bad) and the smell of popcorn drives you crazy hungry, i tried to skip dinner on friday night but after work, i missed by bus and the next one wasnt for an hour so i sat in oportos. the smell of food at 11pm drove me insane so i had to get some chips. then i finally caught the bus to my bf's house (my parents were away for teh weekend and they dont trust me alone in the house, which is a shame, i could have concealed my not eating so much better that way.) on saturday i had a work meeting at 9am, and i always have breakfast - i cant function without it 

after the work meeting everyone got lunch, cept me. as i ate breakfast through meeting (munched on muesli - woo go me) so i was able to deny it. i worked that night again, 2 til 10, i managed to skip dinner but afterwoulds i relapsed once again!

i couldnt not - i had to wait an hour for my bf to pick me up and i got lured in by the m'n'ms sale on in coles. needless to say, i devoured a whole packet and felt incredibly guilty. not to mention the fact that the bf showed up with oaks - vanilla malt, my fave and how could i deny?

so that was like, my calorie intake for the day right then and there

sunday was even worse - bfs father made us breakfast. bacon and eggs. :(

had a salad for lunch and about 2 litres of water and managed to skip dinner!

monday slightly better.

had brekky before school, walked to school and didnt eat lunch or dinner

except after drama that evening i met up with friends and was semi forced into icecream (apparently the best i'll ever have) it was delicious, but as soon as i got home i was pissed with myself for ruining the day with icecream and proceeded to throw up in the shower.

today was the best.

i had my brothers cereal (fibre plus!) for brekky - walked to school

didnt have recess, but at lunch the rumbling tummy gave me away and so i had HALF a piece of lebanese bread (only 50c for a whole piece at my canteen) i wanted to eat all of it, but gave it away to one of the boys

its now 7:47, i've only had gum since then - but i'm worried i'll be called for dinner.

i'll just tell me i'm feeling sick. maybe if i went to bed now, they wont even bother with me.

hopefully this week will show some results

aha! just then i got a knock on my door asking if i wanted a jaffle or something for dinner.

my reply "no thanks, i'm feeling a bit sick, im going to go to bed soon. " i might go and shower and pull out the book im meant to be reading for english. maybe they'll all just sod off and leave me alone.

told you to be patient

today on the food agenda:

1 cup of special k for breakfast w/skim milk

and 1 cup of carrots/mushroom/cucumber

+diet coke 

+water

i'm going to try and not be tempted by dinner, but this is always hard due to living with my sister and her family, if i dont 'feel hungry' enough for dinner, she makes me eat it

so the concealment begins...

or maybe i can get by with wanting soup..

no one gets home until 5, so i'll put some bread in the toaster and burn it - the smell will fill up the house and that can be my excuse for eating such a small dinner

"i was sooo hungry when i got home so i literally had like, four pieces of toast..."

i'll even leave the butter+honey out, with the dirty knife and plate

they wont know the difference.

in non food related issues:

i have nearly finished my modern notes ! woohoo on that frontier, except our topic test is tomorrow. booooo. although, i cbf finishing them now so i might go for a walk and buy another dietcoke. afterall, dc is the drink of the innernets not to mention gods gift for girls ( - and boys as proved by the boyfriend).  coke zero tastes like rust.  

at the moment i've relapsed into my scary conor oberst addiction - nonstop bright eyes around the clock. his voice is so yummy, and there are some songs by him that really keep you going.

another recommendation on the playlist is skinny love by bon iver. mmmm. good for singing along to when you're happy, also good in those moments where your tears are streaming down your face and you can choke out the lyrics - a bit "all by myself-esque"

on my quest for thinspiration, i came across a wonderful blog quest for perfection that will undoubtedly be my treasuremap - my sworn by guide.

i too have decided to join the abc  and i am pledging my allegiance to this by creating a blog. 

now its time to ask to join, to help fuel others when we cant get fuel ourselves.

for those of you who dont about the abc ( like me ) using google magic, here is what i've found out.

the abc boot camp a requires a heavy restriction of calories for fifty days.. 

hopefully i will be able to do this.

expect daily posts, even if no one ends up reading this as the posts are mainly for my sake - to keep me on the track.

this is the general layout accepted by most sites..

"1: 500 calories
2: 500 calories
3: 300 calories
4: 400 calories
5: 100 calories
6: 200 calories
7: 300 calories
8: 400 calories
9: 500 calories
10: fast
11: 150 calories
12: 200 calories
13: 400 calories
14: 350 calories
15: 250 calories
16: 200 calories
17: fast
18: 200 calories
19: 100 calories
20: fast
21: 300 calories
22: 250 calories
23: 200 calories
24: 150 calories
25: 100 calories
26: 50 calories
27: 100 calories
28: 200 calories
29: 200 calories
30: 300 calories
31: 800
32: fast 
33: 250 calories
34: 350 calories
35: 450 calories
36: fast
37: 500 calories
38: 450 calories
39: 400 calories
40: 350 calories
41: 300 calories
42: 250 calories
43: 200 calories
44: 200 calories
45: 250 calories
46: 200 calories
47: 300 calories
48: 200 calories
49: 150 calories
50: fast

Day 1

so far i have eaten one cup of cereal with no milk for breakfast which according to calorieconnect.com = 94.7 cals

for lunch i had one piece of pita bread, wholewheat which is approx 170 cals

and i skipped dinner, because i wasnt feeling it and since then have had two green teas

so that's less than 500 cals for the day, hopefully soon i'll feel it.