martyrdom is tough

I was thinking some terrible thoughts as i sat here trying to conjure up ways of not eating - of not being noticed

first i'll give you the back story:

so just then i went to the loo but was stopped by my brother and asked if i wanted dinner, i told him no thanks - that i wasnt hungry but he stopped in his tracks and asked why i wasnt eating.

i repeated again that i wasnt hungry and he then asked me what i had to eat all day.

i told him i had breakfast "you were there ! you saw me !" and he asked what i had for lunch because i clearly didnt take anything from home.

my repsonse: " i hate food from home, it always gets smushed! and i know its bad, but i've spent like $30 on food this week - thats like a third of my pay ON SCHOOL FOOD! i'm trying to save for a laptop!"

and luckily he bought that

but what i was really thinking is that i should pawn off my troubles onto my other sister (i have three, two of whom i live with)

my sister, jess, is - i'm sorry to say - overweight. like extremely.

and it makes me feel horrible/ashamed to be seen with her

she never used to be this big, it all happened when my mum died four years ago

she dropped out of school, got a job at maccas and just ate and ate

now, things are getting better though

she's an apprentice hairdresser - but is still a biggie

and i was thinking i could always like, you know, give my food to her, but i dont want her to gain weight

or when she steals the chocolate from the fridge - i could say it was me

which would be semi nice because as then she wouldnt get punished, i would, but i'd be the martyr

but i want to help her. i just dont want her to know about me.

its a toughie

life fucking sucks sometimes

x